That's more like it. Third time's a charm and I'm making sure to actually act upon what I've learned from my mistakes. This would be as opposed to learning, but pulling the whole 'dgaf' bs.

Basically, things are looking up despite somewhat recent failures. I have a wonderful girlfriend who put up with me through some of my darkest moments. Now I have learned to be a good boyfriend in return. I would have been starting this semester at Long Beach, but I didn't get in for some reason. It worked out anyways though, because I found something to do to kill time while waiting to transfer. I'm writing for NICHE magazine (fittheniche.com I didn't enter until the most recent issue #4). In fact, just the other day I interviewed John Linnel of 'They Might Be Giants', that article won't show up until after their show at UCLA in November. Life is going pretty awesome lately.

I could really do without these emotions. They are making this all very difficult. I would like to believe I am stronger than my emotions, but often times I prove to myself that I am not. Yet they are so fickle I never really know what to do. I am strongly tempted to fall into old mistakes, like jealousy, obsession, or self pity. I am above all that, I just don't know what to do anymore. I had my chance... twice! So how can I even be trusted anymore?

I want to cry, a lot.
How long will it take to repair the damage I did this time?

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.
This is the sound of settling

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.
This is the sound of settling

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

Woot! TMBG rawkes

Those horny and burned out now is how it always ends for me and
Chemicals wearing me down in your summertime bacchanalian
I saw her go faster than the morning comes
She walks away like a lady
Its always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me
I want to go
Faster whoa
I wanna get off one time and not apologize
Whoa Ive gotta steal the time of a life thats passing by
And then she flexes her knees to try and abate the feeling
She mouths the words please to the poster on the ceiling
I want to go faster and right in front of me
She stares at him so madly
Shes got the nerve to say she wants to fuck that boy so badly
I saw her go
Faster whoa
I wanna get off one time and not apologize
Whoa Ive gotta steal the time of a life thats passing by
Whoa I wanna get off one time
Oh I wanna get off one time and off one time
I was hoping youd be there waiting for me
When I was waiting you were waiting
You were waiting for me
And I was hoping youd be there waiting for me
When I was waiting for you
Hoping youd be waiting for me
I was hoping youd be there waiting for me baby
I need your loving kinda way, a way nobody but me
And then I was hoping youd be waiting for me
Hoping you would be waiting for me
Oh I want to get off one time
Oh I get off one time
Oh wanna go
Whoa get off one time and not apologize
And not apologize!

They've always got songs I can relate to, its almost frightening.

So... show of hands, who likes Third Eye Blind? There's not enough fans out there and I need to speak with the few I know.

Now that we are an enlightened nation that realizes eliminating the rights of homosexuals to get married is necessary for religious freedom, we must now push to take further steps in this direction. Clearly if we are forced to live with people practicing religions differently from our own it impedes on our rights to raise our children with the standards we believe to be right. In order for our children to be raised in a proper environment where they don't have to be confused about right and wrong certain changes must be made on behalf of other religious communities. First we must ban the sales of any pork, shelfish, or other non kosher items. When Jewish kids see others eating Carnitas it confuses them while simultaneously cheapening the value of food. Food like marriage is a very important aspect in our lives, without food we can not live, so for the sake of the Jewish community we can no longer allow food to be desecrated by the addition of non kosher salts. The second important change to be made is all women should hence forth cover their faces so that men are not tempted by their beauty. Frankly, it cheapens the value of women when they reveal their beauty outside of their homes. Without women there can be no more children, so again this is another religious freedom that must be protected and enforced on the population.

In 2009 there will be 3 albums to look forward to...

1. Third Eye Blind have their first official album in almost 6 years. It is scheduled to release in February.

2. The Strokes return from their various side projects to work on a new album. The time of release is still unknown.

3. Placebo! Need I say more? Three years waiting just seems too long when it comes to Placebo. This will be their first album with the new drummer. The time of release is unknown.

I just want to be myself, but no one really likes me for who I am. Some of them even hate me for who I am. For others, I'm all that's left, bottom of the list, I'm the default, the trump card, last in line.

Conflict Resolution

1. If you can't rationalize something that makes it irrational.

2. Hear a person out, just because you disagree doesn't mean they don't have a good point. Just because it makes sense to you that doesn't mean it is the only correct way to look at it.

3. The most important thing to remember is not to get mad. Any time you do get mad it is your own responsibility. Don't blame other people for making you mad, you are not the center of the universe. The fact that there is nothing that universally makes a people mad proves that it is based off of your own experiences and you are ultimately responsible for that.

4. The 'silence treatment' is not a treatment, it is just giving up. If you just need time to think and/or cool down then say so.

5. If you disagree with anything here refer to number one and apply it at least 20 more times before ignoring this.

I feel like a walking contradiction...

I keep clinging onto these ideas and I preach that people be consistent, but I am not very consistent in myself. I often have my doubts whether it is possible to avoid contradictions, but at least if I believe in the possibility then I have something to work towards and can hopefully make some change.

Basically drugs were a problem for me, I had to get away from them. I can't fully prove that drugs are a problem, but I have a philosophy that helps me stay away. You see, I have a responsibility to this world as I am a part of it as every last spec of space and matter is a part of it. If I spend my time and money on drugs, then I'm not doing my part in contributing to this world. I knew when I realized this that I had to quit, but an issue has surfaced that complicates this hypothesis. I am still not doing anything to change that which I believe needs change. I'm just sitting around playing video games which is almost as wasteful as drugs, although I'm stimulating my mind at least. I also read a lot which simply opens Pandora's box in making me realize how futile any efforts towards change really are and how short term any change I am capable of accomplishing will be. So here I am just trying to find myself and wasting plenty of time and money in the process. I would like for friendships to be enough, but if I just focus on my small network then I'm not accomplishing much.

Friends throw out words like 'need' in their roles they serve towards each other. The thing is, friends don't need each other in the same way that children in Africa need food, or violence needs to stop in the middle east, or the ozone needs to be protected. So it seems this use of the word 'need' goes back to my point of how people use imprecise language.

I just don't know what to do... feel free to point out the contradictions that I may have missed, it helps to know when I'm wrong.

When I remember all the many mistakes I have made... not so much mistakes as the bad things I have done in my life, like the many lies I used to tell because I was insecure and like a deer in the headlights I just let the big messy car crash happen, I've even stolen from close friends when I was younger. I had rationalized it all at the time, but looking back I must have always known it was wrong. Then there's the way I would alienate people because I was content with new friends. Well, when I remember back to all of that, I wonder if perhaps that's why I feel like crap so often. I most certainly learned from those mistakes and have bettered myself since those days, but do they know that?

I'm certain at least some of them don't see me for who I am to day, but for who I have been. I can try as hard as I'd like to not live in the past, but if the people around me are stilling living there then we have an interesting time paradox, don't we?

Also, have you ever been told you need to have more confidence? What an empty statement that really is when you think about it, what are they really telling you? I've found that most people, including myself try to sum things up in such imprecise language that you can't ever really get a good idea of what they are talking about. So again what does one mean when they say I don't have confidence? They must clearly be referring to certain messages they have interpreted from me, but from where did they get those messages? It could be things I have said, or things I have not said, or simply my body language. When I inquire, they will never elaborate on which of these things it could be, they often find it acceptable to simply say "you know" or "i just get that feeling". Well, I don't know and if you base your assumptions on impulse then that's all they are, 'assumptions'. In order to make an inference, you must take the time to think about it, that way when asked about it, you can give proper feedback. So basically we need to really think more, you may think you do, but it's likely you could do with a bit more thought as it would help us all out a lot.

We may be created equal, but a lot has happened since we were each created, hasn't it?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck *breathes* fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit!

what the fucking ass fuck goddamn shit!?

Why do I even bother? Why do I waste the time trying to keep up with so many people when only a small few actually care?

I brought this onto myself, not to remove the blame from the person who pissed me off, but I should have seen it coming. I wish I knew what it was that I was doing wrong that caused this to happen so often. It happens too frequently to be a coincidence I am doing something wrong. I am sending certain signals that drive people away without being aware of what those signals are.

So lately I have been pondering about what I consider myself spiritually. I know that there will always be questions to be answered, but I will seek those answers regardless to provide purpose.

I consider myself atheist in that I do not believe in god as anything tangible. I do however acknowledge that the universe itself is a powerful force consisting of all the many workings of life. This force, although not currently measurable, is undoubtedly responsible for all existence as it is within the nature of the context I am using it in. I believe everything it potentially measurable, unfortunately it is not within our potential to measure it.

Allow me to elaborate, you see this force that is the universe has no apparent ending and has shown indications that it is expanding. I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong) that we all agree if not on anything else that the universe is infinite as it can not be proven otherwise until technology improves. As it stands there is no defined point of origin that we can use as a point of reference. Without an initial beginning it becomes impossible to record all the workings that went into such enigmas as evolution.

Now this so far should not contradict modern religion assuming that they have embraced the magic of science as well and have worked it into their religion. My 'god' or universal force, which in the spirit of our good friend Stan Lee I shall refer to as the 'Power Cosmic', is not entirely similar. Christians, Muslims, and Jews as I am to understand consider the force which created them to be their master. I strongly dislike this philosophy, but do not oppose it so long as it does not oppose me. However, it does oppose me, as it does many others on a regular basis and on the most personal levels.

What I seek now is religious tolerance, but in order to achieve that, religion must be removed from from the government, as is promised by the constitution. The question though is where can we agree on a point of reference for morality?

On another note, as an atheist I intend to avoid using probability as a point of reference. Probability proves nothing more than that you truly can't predict or assume anything. I haven't proofread this, I kind of just made it up as I went along, but feel free to criticize.

Despite the fact that they aspire to nothing more than constantly filling their bodies with mind altering substances, I love them all. I don't want to stop hanging out with them, I just want to adventure more, get away from the usual hang out. I don't like to constantly worry all the time and the environment we spend most time in is the absolute worst place to be... So how can I manage my stress better?