Ever since Shaudee I feel like I've just been faking it through the rest of my relationships. I really can't imagine loving anyone again, no matter how much I want to. All my lowest lows and demoralization followed after I came to terms with the fact that nothing would come of that relationship. Shaudee had the patience to help shape me into a better person and I needed that, I relied on that. When I lost that motivation it took a while to get back up on my feet. I honestly have become content with her just being part of my life, even as just a friend.

Unfortunately she is halfway across the country and my only contact is the occasional phone call or chat on aim. I find myself with this gaping hole in my life and it is going to consume me if I can't find the companionship up here in Humboldt that I once had in California. It isn't even just Shaudee, I always had my niche of close friends, which I gave up for an education. I just need someone who I can talk to about things other than just what classes I'm taking or some other bullshit like that.

It began with a fucking ridiculous line of cars, but once that hell had passed the party began. I made friends with my camping neighbors almost immediately and they were such awesome people. I barely even slept the first night, but I still pushed on through most of the first day.
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Wine, dark chocolate, and Cheez-its.
Add a fresh canvas then go on an intergalactic adventure.

I fail at friendships
im not any better at dating
also a terrible student
I fuck up at my job
and I'm getting daily reminders of these things
im fucking worthless
i want to stop thinking
i just want to sleep
this is the point i always reach before a new streak of luck brings me back up
but every minute feels like an eternity of self loathing
i dont want to feel this way
i wish i could shut my thoughts off

That's more like it. Third time's a charm and I'm making sure to actually act upon what I've learned from my mistakes. This would be as opposed to learning, but pulling the whole 'dgaf' bs.

Basically, things are looking up despite somewhat recent failures. I have a wonderful girlfriend who put up with me through some of my darkest moments. Now I have learned to be a good boyfriend in return. I would have been starting this semester at Long Beach, but I didn't get in for some reason. It worked out anyways though, because I found something to do to kill time while waiting to transfer. I'm writing for NICHE magazine (fittheniche.com I didn't enter until the most recent issue #4). In fact, just the other day I interviewed John Linnel of 'They Might Be Giants', that article won't show up until after their show at UCLA in November. Life is going pretty awesome lately.

I could really do without these emotions. They are making this all very difficult. I would like to believe I am stronger than my emotions, but often times I prove to myself that I am not. Yet they are so fickle I never really know what to do. I am strongly tempted to fall into old mistakes, like jealousy, obsession, or self pity. I am above all that, I just don't know what to do anymore. I had my chance... twice! So how can I even be trusted anymore?

I want to cry, a lot.
How long will it take to repair the damage I did this time?

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.
This is the sound of settling

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.
This is the sound of settling

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

Woot! TMBG rawkes